If you’ve followed along for a bit, you know I haven’t been feeling like my usual self for quite a few years, and it’s been worse recently. Had a chat with my doctor, and we’re doing some tests for a few things, but when I was mentioning how I’ve always been strong and had a brain, she said, “It’s the depression. It affects everything. The brain fog is your mind trying to escape…”
One, she’d never mentioned depression before, and two, that blew my mind. I had never heard it put that way, and it really hit home. The past 7 years have been so, so difficult – and my health started going downhill fairly quickly. The last 18 months sent it all over the edge: I had my month-long “breakdown” in July after 6 of the absolute most traumatic and stressful months in my entire life, and as I’ve mentioned before, I haven’t recovered and I don’t think I ever will. No wonder my brain wants to hide.
The weirdest thing happened after I left her office; the depths of my depression showed itself, and I saw how much I’d been hiding it from myself and everyone else. Well, mostly. The edges have peeked out in my writing and social media, but overall I had no clue that I’m not even treading water any more, I’m sinking.
I hate meds because if there’s a reaction to be had, I’ll have it, so we didn’t discuss anything like that. My friend Kellianne gave me a card reading a couple years ago, and in it she wrote, “Use your depression as a soft place to land and heal…” The though is so soothing, and at the same time I have no idea how to do that. There is so much on my plate and no way to let any of it go. There should be more, but I honestly haven’t been able to make myself go in search of a job, and that’s scary. You don’t get paid to have a breakdown, ya know?
I have a lot to think about, a lot to process, and being gentle with myself and my feelings is at the top of the list. I know there are a ton of resources out there (so, please, no links; thank you, but it’s too much right now), and right now all I can do is sit with this new knowledge and take each moment as it comes. Tiny steps. Tiny freak-outs. Tiny joys. Tiny laughs. Tiny everything.
Because anything bigger is overwhelming.
With love and hope,
PS: sending light always cheers me up and brings me joy. If you need help but can’t afford to purchase a session, I’m happy to take donations via Venmo. Send me a wave, and we’ll get your session set up.
©Pip Miller – June 2022