“It’s the depression…”

If you’ve followed along for a bit, you know I haven’t been feeling like my usual self for quite a few years, and it’s been worse recently. Had a chat with my doctor, and we’re doing some tests for a few things, but when I was mentioning how I’ve always been strong and had a brain, she said, “It’s the depression. It affects everything. The brain fog is your mind trying to escape…”

Photo by Kat Smith on Pexels.com

One, she’d never mentioned depression before, and two, that blew my mind. I had never heard it put that way, and it really hit home. The past 7 years have been so, so difficult – and my health started going downhill fairly quickly. The last 18 months sent it all over the edge: I had my month-long “breakdown” in July after 6 of the absolute most traumatic and stressful months in my entire life, and as I’ve mentioned before, I haven’t recovered and I don’t think I ever will. No wonder my brain wants to hide.

The weirdest thing happened after I left her office; the depths of my depression showed itself, and I saw how much I’d been hiding it from myself and everyone else. Well, mostly. The edges have peeked out in my writing and social media, but overall I had no clue that I’m not even treading water any more, I’m sinking.

I hate meds because if there’s a reaction to be had, I’ll have it, so we didn’t discuss anything like that. My friend Kellianne gave me a card reading a couple years ago, and in it she wrote, “Use your depression as a soft place to land and heal…” The though is so soothing, and at the same time I have no idea how to do that. There is so much on my plate and no way to let any of it go. There should be more, but I honestly haven’t been able to make myself go in search of a job, and that’s scary. You don’t get paid to have a breakdown, ya know?

I have a lot to think about, a lot to process, and being gentle with myself and my feelings is at the top of the list. I know there are a ton of resources out there (so, please, no links; thank you, but it’s too much right now), and right now all I can do is sit with this new knowledge and take each moment as it comes. Tiny steps. Tiny freak-outs. Tiny joys. Tiny laughs. Tiny everything.

Because anything bigger is overwhelming.

With love and hope,

Pip 🌻🦩

PS: sending light always cheers me up and brings me joy. If you need help but can’t afford to purchase a session, I’m happy to take donations via Venmo. Send me a wave, and we’ll get your session set up.

©Pip Miller – June 2022


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