That line, from Amanda Palmer’s book, The Art of Asking made me cry.
It’s been a very weeping-at-unexpected-moments kind of month, so these tears weren’t unexpected, so to speak, but as I sat there wondering what it was about that sentence that set me of, it hit me.
I am not a Reiki Master (I’m 1st degree), I haven’t attended courses or classes or presentations about energy work; I have the one certificate for Reiki, and tons of feedback from sessions, including two from people across the pond who told me that we’d “talked” during their session. Considering I was sitting in my living room or on my front porch, hands on my teddy bear, and no phone in sight, I was pretty floored about that feedback. The “conversation” took place on an energetic level, and I’m assuming I was the conduit for it just as I am for the energy/light that I send.
So why did that sentence bring me to tears?
Ever since I made the move to promoting myself online, I’ve had MAJOR imposter syndrome, or as Amanda calls it, the “Fraud Police” show up and tell me how I’m not good enough in any way to do what I do; that everyone else who does energy work IS good enough – just not me. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for the entire decade or so that I’ve been marketing myself online, and I vacillate between excitement and knowing I’m helping, and being certain that no clients mean I really suck and no one wants to be the one to tell me. That those online who say that you should only trust healers that do x, y, or z, or have this or that certificate or experience, that do their sessions completely differently than I do, are right. That I’m am not qualified to send light without someone’s full name, a picture of them, precise hand placements, full focus (it honestly works better when I let that Divine energy and your soul do the work they need to do and I step out of the way), crystals nearby, etc.
That I am an imposter.
I’ve let that thought dictate whether or not I charge for sessions, do donations only, offer them all for free, drop the prices, raise the prices (rumor has it people value things that are more expensive, but what about those in need who can’t afford exorbitant prices?)…it’s been a roller-coaster of doubt and enthusiasm. Lately the doubt has been in charge as the Fraud Police have become more and more vocal the more I’m online, seeing those posts from ‘those in the know’.
So I’ve ended up doing lots of sessions for friends and not writing blog posts or tweeting much about what I do anymore. I did write a long thread on Twitter and I don’t think it got any views. Imposter Syndrome kicked in SO badly that I nearly deleted my entire online presence (again) and just said, “Fuck it” and walked away (I walked away from the computer for a few days instead…I’ve learned).
Amanda’s book, while definitely not aimed at what I do, gave me a lot to think about, and inspired this first post in a while. I’m not really sure the point of it, to be honest, except that I put the handwritten draft away for a week and it kept tickling at my brain, asking to be written.
So here it is.
©Pip Miller – November 2021