Every week I write ‘blog’ in my planner. And every week I have zero idea what to write about. Even if something comes to mind, when I sit down to start typing; poof, it’s gone. The same goes for the newsletter I was going to resurrect. Blank. My mind has left the building, taking all the notes, quotes, and inspiration with it in a rolling red suitcase. And I’ve no idea where it is.
It also seems to have snuck all my energy in there, because it’s the same with to-do lists; I write them, I fully intend to achieve them…and the effort is just too much. I know being anemic contributes to that, but still, it’s as if all I can do is get through each day and hope a good night’s sleep will refresh me and kick things back into gear. So far, it’s not happening.
OH, and get this. Remember this post, “Laters, Alcohol!” (still a work in progress, sadly)? In it I wrote that I was about to start my 60th year of life, aka, turning 59 (I’ve since fixed that). I had a dr’s appointment Thursday, the type that requires a medical bracelet, and that night I was looking at the bracelet and noticed that they’d mistakenly written that I was 58. Then I looked at my birthdate, did quick match, and son of a…somehow I managed to get my own age wrong! That’s how foggy my brain is lately.
I noticed lately that I’ve been scrolling through Twitter for way too long every day, and I removed it from my phone. I don’t know if it was a subconscious attempt to kick my brain into gear with all the information, or if all that information was overwhelming my brain and contributing to the inability to think straight. I suspect a bit of both, but I’m pretty positive the overwhelm was real. I still have Instagram (on an old phone; it creeps me out that it works on my usual phone even if blocked by the firewall), but one: I don’t follow as many people there, and two: picture-posting isn’t as frequent as tweeting, so I spend a lot less time scrolling. I really enjoy accounts that show real life, and aren’t just for marketing. I’ve also removed other ‘mindless scrolling’ accounts from my phone and caught myself wondering ‘Now what do I do??” yesterday. Because somehow reading books had fallen to the wayside in favor of what’s on my devices, even Hoopla and Kindle. And I have a room full of books to read!
It’s almost as if I’ve forgotten who I am, and need to find my way back to me. Does anyone else feel that way? Removing the digital accessibility is going to take adjusting to (which, coming from me, who tries to be all about safety and using encrypted email and texting, is a bit ironic), but it’s getting warmer so I’ll be able to sit outside and read in the sun again. I can send light while outside, too, and that always makes my day.
How has the pandemic affected you? I really thought that I was doing ok, because while I stayed home most of the time, NM was very aggressive about dealing with the restrictions and masks, so I was able to go shopping and get out of the house. It felt like normal life. But it really hasn’t been, and I wonder how long it will take before we all are hit with PTSD and in what forms it will manifest?
Be safe, take care of yourself!
©Pip Miller – March 2021