The past couple of weeks have been very stressful for me, and I’m not sure why what’s going on is going on now, but it is. It could be all the astrological stuff going on, it could be that’s it’s the beginning of another year, and I once again feel as if I’ve made no progress in my life what-so-ever…it could be a lot of things. It is what it is, and what it is really sucks right now.
Feelings and emotions and anger (oh, lots and lots of anger!) are coming out, and not always in appropriate ways. Kindness has become snark, and I seem to feel the the need to jump on any little perceived insult or slight and make a mountain out of a molehill. All in an in-your-face way.
This baring of pain is not comfortable for me, and I really don’t like the way I’m acting, but I can’t seem to find a way to stop or at least control it, either. It’s as if I’m in a hurricane of release, and it’s ride the winds or sink below the waves forever. I’d be ok with windsurfing, if I could only find a way to process all this deep-seated blech in a positive way, rather than lashing out in pain and unkind anger, or sinking into despair at odd times.
Is the my “dark night of the soul”? I don’t know. All I know is when the hurricane finally dies down, I hope I haven’t left a swath of destruction in my wake.
I had my very first acupuncture session yesterday, and after the spacey feeling died down, I felt completely exhausted and very, very sad. It was just more highlighting of the pain and the sorrow…and I found that it’s been so easy to lay the blame on others for my feelings, but I know deep inside that it’s not so. I took on this life I’ve led for alost 52 years: I have made the choices I have made, I have let the opportunities that showed up fall to the wayside, I have let fear rule my entire life. Oh, I candy-coated it by saying that I “go with the flow”, when in actuality all I’ve done is taken the easy way. Sometimes the easy way became a very difficult journey, but I still did whatever was easiest in those situations, many times to my detriment.
I’d chosen “pivotal” as my word for this year, and I think I need to add to it. I was thinking something along the lines of taking control, but I decided to pull a card from my Magical Times Empowerment Deck by Jody Bergsma, and Sanctuary came up (the “Healing” card is also from that gorgeous deck).
It’s a completely different feeling than ‘taking control’, and yet it rings true with me: I really do need more time to myself, taking care of myself, being just me and doing (or not doing) what I want, not what others ask of me. This past year I’ve not had that very often, and my time has been filled to the brim with work and other requirements on my time (and state of well-being), the result of which has been a huge drain on me and now this hurricane that is now blowing its wrath out into the world.
What has also surfaced is the knowledge that I have let my dreams be pushed aside, and that I have, in many ways, simply given up on myself; I’ve taken the long-standing belief that I’m not good enough, and blown it into a way of living…go, me. *sigh* I’ve even stopped writing in my journal (paper) because there is so much going on in my head that I’m afraid to write it down and have it read one day. Stifling that outlet isn’t helping matters one bit, let me tell you. Maybe I’ll write and then burn the pages the next day, or shred them at work. (Have you ever wondered what people will think when they read your journals after you’ve died?)
The basic jist of this long ramble is that I’m still here, I’m moody as hell and liable to over-react to things, and I’m doing my best to ride this and come out on the other side stronger and with my dreams coming true, as well as my goal of helping others on a daily basis as an energy healer manifesting easily and quickly. I also need to find a life-jacket! 😉
©Pip Miller – January 2015